This is not a proper date…

Over the last few weeks I’ve been asked out on a lot of dates. While flattering to be asked, their ideas of a “date” don’t match with mine, especially for a 1st date. Recently I’ve been asked to:

• Meet at their car and keep them company while they wait for their windshield to get fixed
• Run errands with them
• Meet at their office and walk them home from work
• Sit with them while they do laundry

So yesterday when a guy asked me out and suggested I meet him at his garage bands rehearsal, I responded with the following: (think Dr. Seuss)

Let’s get something straight. That is not a proper 1st date.

I will not meet you at your car or see you singing in a bar.

I will not walk you to your lair, I will not walk you anywhere.

A date you see, is how I get to know you and you get to know me.

It should be relaxed, where one person talks and the other talks back.

Dinner, drinks or coffee are great… those would be a proper date.

Lol obviously I haven’t heard back

Happy dating!

Missed the Target

Last week I was chatting with a guy online. He asked if I’d like to meet for coffee, he’d come to my neighborhood.

It was really sweet, but my neighborhood is the only place in the world that doesn’t have a cafe/coffee place. In a 2-3 mile radius we have at least 4 grab and go Dunkin Donuts, and like 20 deli/convient stores. But no place to sit and have a cup of coffee. And not for lack of trying. 2 opened and closed within a year. I guess only tea drinkers live here. Lol.

So I said I’d like to meet but there were only grab and go places, but we could go to any of the restaurants and have coffee or a drink. 

Guy: “no Starbucks?”

Me: “only a grab and go in the Target”

Guy: “maybe we could get something there and walk around?”

Me: “around Target?”

Guy: “oh is that bad?”

REAALYY!? Now let me be clear. I love Target. They know me there. The baristas get my drink ready when they see me in line. If I’m not there 4 times a week, get well cards get sent to the house (ok, not really but you get my point – I’m there a lot – and it would be nice if they checked in to see how I was doing). And I did have to make a Target run. But it’s not a place I’d go on a date! 

Knowing that my friend Ava would appreciate it, I took a screenshot and sent her the conversation.

Ava: laughing hysterically “are you going to go?”

Me: “only if I get to push the cart” 

Me: “And is he going to pay for my stuff? If we went to a restaurant he’d pay for dinner. So if we are at Target he should pay for the toothpaste and iced tea. Of course I’d have to add things like depends and foot fungal cream, just cause it’s funny.” 

Ava: “I think you should!” 

In the meantime he messaged me and said maybe I was right, a restaurant would be better. And we set the time and place. He was nice, but he hasn’t seen any movies, gone to a sporting event, concert or theater since his last girlfriend – 2 years ago. His friends are married, their wives don’t like him (red flag!). So he works, goes to the gym, out for a few drinks and home (more red flags).

When our coffee was done we left. It was too late to do the rest of my errands. Missed the Target… on all fronts. 

To sum it all up

Hello everyone! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I promise to get better at it. But I thought I’d sum up my last two weeks in dating world.

Last weekend in a matter of 24 hours I was contacted (on a dating site) by an agoraphobic, who hasn’t left his house in 10 years, and a federal prisoner with glaucoma.

Considering that, I guess tonight’s date wasn’t so bad. He just made snorty sounds like he was trying to blow snot out and fell asleep at the table while he was talking (guess I wasn’t the only one bored). But at least I got dinner so not a total waste of good lip gloss!

xxx

In case there was any confusion

I’m not the Statue of Liberty, I don’t want the tired, hungry whiney, or poor.

 

 

Top 10 ways to get a date

my friend Lee writes a great blog and is super funny! And he asked me to guest post for him… Check it out! http://leevalentin.tumblr.com/post/130433147465/top-10-ways-to-get-a-date-with-a-40-something

Meeting for drinks…

Attention all men
Please note: when you say to a woman “I’d like to take you out for a drink” sparkling water, just for you… is NOT a drink.

All You Need is a Dollar and A Dream

If that dream is to have good dates.  A fellow writer friend of mine, George Reagan, wrote a book “Masterdate: the handy guide to internet dating for guys” (www.amazon.com/Masterdate-handy-guide-internet-dating) and the e-book is only 99 cents!

I love this book. I think everyone should read it, even girls. It gives us gals great insight and things we can learn and check as well. But for guys, it really is a reality check. He talks about every thing from using deodorant to what to do on a date. I love it.

I think every guy should have to read it in high school, college and every divorce lawyer should hand it out. I joke around that I’m going to hand it out to my dates. Well after my date this weekend (more on him very soon) I kinda did….. (Images blocked for a reason)…

You know it’s a bad phone call when….

Lol you know it’s a bad call with a potential date when your only thought is “crap I’m missing an episode of F-Troop” ‪#‎dating‬ ‪#‎onlinedating‬ ‪#‎meTV‬

Dating is just an interview with drinks…

So super excited to be asked to guest blog by singles warehouse! Check it out!
http://www.theswexperts.com/dating-is-just-an-interview-with-drinks/

Still going strong….

It’s been almost 2 months and the Frog Prince is still here….. Might be the longest relationship I’ve had in a while…. And he’s great! Good listener, doesn’t argue or make a mess. Guess your friends really do pick the best guy for you 😉

Saturday night wisdom

Yes I actually get asked this….

You only have one chance to make a fist impression

If there is one thing we learn as children that we should always remember is that we only have one chance to make a first impression. This is true in school, with friends, on an interview and dating.

Dating is very much like an interview, there is an open position for significant other and we are in the application process. Selling our selves, to get to the next step (date) to decide if we in fact want to take the job. If you’re not making an effort now when?

Here are some things to consider when going on a first date:

Clothes
Just like we wouldn’t go on an interview in sweats and a stained t-shirt, showing up on a date that way isn’t acceptable either.

This is something I have seen on a constant basis. If you’re trying to “win me over” and make your best impression GET DRESSED! I’m not expecting a suit but sweats, hoodies or stained anything is a big fat no! Jeans and a button down, a sweater, t-shirt and a blazer even. Even if we are just meeting for coffee, make an effort!

Ladies, it is not “girls night out” if you know what I mean. Also clothes that are so tight you look like the seams are going to break, not pretty. If you are just looking for a hookup fine then maybe that’s what you want to wear but coffee, drinks or dinner – probably not. A nice top, jeans, a cute skirt or a fun dress. Wear an outfit appropriate for the place and remember the imagination is more powerful.

Do your homework
Just like you review company info before you walk into the room, take a quick glance at my profile, a text exchange, recall a conversation we had. We know we are all dating and meeting different people but confusing the info shows me you don’t care and are a cereal dater.

Cursing
Is rude, not to mention, a TOTAL TURN OFF! If you can’t complete a sentence without saying the f word, read a book, buy Rosetta Stone and relearn English or go back to the 4th grade. Whatever it takes, just speak properly.

Conversation topics
I do not want to hear about
Your problems
Your ex
Your divorce
Your bodily functions

I want to learn about you, what you like, what you do for fun, your interests.

Ok I’m off my soap box for now…. Hope this was helpful!

Live shows

Come see me live on stage talk about my dating life. And don’t forget to come by and say hi after the show! I’m always adding more so keep an eye on my events page for more…  http://wp.me/P4BrBL-2z

I Would Love to Curl Your Hair!

For some that might sound like a pick up line and to some maybe even a bit erotic. But when you meet for the first time at a restaurant, his face lights up, he starts clapping and jumping up and down saying that like a giddy school girl, chances are you’ve just found your new shopping buddy, not your new boyfriend.

We sat down and he told me about all the hair videos he likes to watch on YouTube. That he had all different types of rollers and curling irons, and can do updo’s now. “Cool, are you a stylist?” I remember his profile saying publishing but maybe it’s a career change. “No I just love it! I got divorced last year, moved and found a whole new life and hobby” (he might mean hubby).

All of a sudden I hear a loud scream “Aaaaaahhhhh OMG!! look at those wedges! I looooove wedges! And what color is that it’s like a light bronze! I love women’s shoes! Sometimes I try them on” all I could think of was in the “sex and the city movie” when Carrie is looking for an assistant and the guy is wearing heels, so of course I had to look down and check…. sneakers, phew!

He was fun so I stayed for my drink and we chatted. He works at a paper plant, he’s not a big sports fan, and the guys at work all talk about sports so he made a bet with them, they “bet” on which team will win and the loser has to twerk for the other, so he taught them all how to twerk. “I love watching them it’s so much fun and now I actually pay attention to sports… Can’t wait till I have to twerk for them!”

After 2 drinks we left. He was fun, but I never curl my hair or do updo’s so it would never work.

Meter Maid

His name was Peter and we were meeting for drinks at 7 just a few blocks from my apartment, he’s done with work at 3 and if I leave work on time, a rarity, I can make it by 7. I explained that I was in the middle if several big projects and looming deadlines, so I would just be able to meet for a drink. He was good with it.

When we’d spoken on the phone I found out that he was very close with his family, he left corporate America 10 years ago to join the police force. He didn’t like the pressure in corporate America and wanted to do something that made him happy. I thought that was really cool, not many people have the guts to do that, I was impressed. Wasn’t sure that being a police officer was less pressure, but good for him!

I got to the restaurant early to stake my place at the bar. I got an email that he would be 5 minutes late. Nice of him to let me know and I have some work with me so I’m set. 5 minutes later another email that he would be 20 minutes late, he was having trouble finding something to wear. Really? He’s been home for 4 hours and should have had this figured out – but ok. 45 minutes later I was ordering food to go and packing up to leave when he walked in. He kept apologizing and begging me to stay. He was in a worn out, faded polo with a frayed collar and khaki shorts with frayed pockets and holes all over and no, not like done to be fashionable, like out of the rag pile (this took you 5 hours?!). And much like his pants, I was torn, I wanted to go home but at this point he at the very least owed me dinner. So I had them change my order to stay and asked them to bring it to the table.

We got to the table and he apologized again “I couldn’t find anything to wear, sorry” I wanted to say ‘and that’s what you came up with’ but instead said “after the 2nd email I wasn’t sure if you were showing up in a tux or just high maintenance”. He laughed and said “no I’m a simple guy, just didn’t have anyone to help me figure out what to wear” And went into his life story.

He lives in a small town, works for the police force as a school crossing guard and meter maid. But being that it’s summer he just does meters. He doesn’t like it, he wants to do more “police work”, he feels bad giving tickets, his commanding officer won’t promote him because he doesn’t give tickets. But he hates working outside. So I asked why he doesn’t just give tickets like his boss says so he can get promoted. He doesn’t like people to be mad at him.

I changed the subject to fun summer plans. He is spending most of it with his sister, her kids and his parents. I asked if he was seeing friends going on vacation, etc. He doesn’t spend much time with friends. They are all married and he doesn’t like that their time is limited, doesn’t understand why they just can’t hang out and why he has to go to them. So I said “most of my friends are married and I go to them and work on their schedule, easier for me to travel. To me it’s worth it just to see them, their kids, hang out. Don’t you and your friends do that?” No, he’d rather just spend time with his mom (red flag!).

I talked about a trip I had just taken for work and how I got to see friends too. He said when he was in corp America he hated business trips and being alone. “Really? I always make friends at the bar or with the staff, try to take time to see the sites (if there are any), I enjoy it, it’s like a free mini vacation, and if it happens to be near where friends live – even better! And I’m super excite because I leave in a few weeks for Denver, to go visit my best friend.” He thought I was crazy, he’d never do either.

I asked what he likes to do in his spare time – movies, books, music – “well since I can’t see my friends I spend time with my family or home, but I don’t always like to be at home, it’s near a train station and can be loud plus we lose power ever day for 4 hours a day. My condo association has a class action suit against the power company but I don’t know if I should join in, I want it fixed, but I don’t want to upset the power company.” Me “did you know this when you moved in?” “Yes but my mom said it was a good deal and close to her so I bought it. If I had a girlfriend I’d go out more, because she’d want to” so I asked if he ever goes to things by himself, “No. When I was in corporate America I traveled by myself hated it.” (So you said) “I never went to see the sights, just hung out in the hotel or the office I was visiting. I traveled to cool places and wanted to do stuff but I didn’t have anyone to go with, I don’t like to be alone” me “So what would you do if the girl you were dating wanted time alone, with her friends or had to work late?” Him “I’d sit home and wait or go to my moms till she got home” (FYI that never works – been there). “But I hope she would want me to come too, I wouldn’t want to do anything without her, I can do what she likes, I can hang with the girls.”

He asked if I like what I do, I said yes (because I do). He asked what I like about it. I told him I Iike the people I work with, the projects I work on, that I work with people all over the world. He said he needed a person like me that was driven because he wants to get promoted and doesn’t like working outside but he doesn’t want to upset people by giving tickets and his mom likes that he’s home by 3. But for me he would change, if I wanted him to. – Ummmm we just met, the only thing I want… is him to pay for dinner – So I told him he should just do whatever will make him happy. “Well, I left corporate America to do what I like” me “That’s awesome, most people don’t do that, so -again- you should do what makes you happy.” “I hated my job. You need to leave corp America.” Me “I’m good, I like what I do” him “You work long odd hours, people that work like that are usually cheating on their spouse. (As he starts to fight back the tears) My dad worked crazy hours and I know he was screwing around on my mom and now you’re going to cheat on me. So I should probably be more motivated and talk to my commanding officer, but he’s busy and I don’t want to bother him, and he’ll tell me to be proactive, and then people will get upset with me and my mom will be upset that I’m not home at 3. But you’re going to get upset with me and cheat on me… Ooohh now I don’t know what to do? What do you want me to do? I’ll do what you say” Ummmm… We’re not a couple. So it was time to go. The neediness was killing me and I had work to do.

So I suggested we pay the check and go. I thought he was going to cry as he asked, “Oh you have to go….?” Me “Yes”. We left and he went to kiss me, I did what I usually do and dropped my keys so the moment is ruined.

When I got home (3 minutes later) there was this long email about how much he liked me and how he really needs a girl like me to help him in life and force him to do things. He’d get to have friends again because he’d have my friends. His mom would be happy and I’d like her and his sister and his mom will cook for us everyday. And on and on.

I wrote back and said that we live different lives and are looking for different things and it wouldn’t work. He asked if we could be friends and I didn’t want this to keep going on and I could tell it would so I said “email me every once in a while if you want maybe we can meet for coffee” What I really wanted to say (to paraphrase the Beatles) was “needy Peter meter maid, NOTHING, will come between us”

Frog Prince part 2

TADA!!! My Prince has arrived! Aaaaand might not be the shortest guy I’ve dated either …..

 

Frog Prince

Water has been added…. Fingers crossed!

The frog

Random dating tip

Keep your stories/ people straight. We know we are contacting/dating many people but  not being able to remember details or conversations is a total turn off. Last night a guy contacted me online and our first 2 emails were the usual pleasantries. Then he said “so how long are your friends in from Costa Rica for?” I never said I had friends in town, I didn’t say anything more than the basics.  So I said “I don’t have friends in Costa Rica, do you?” His answer was “I was hoping you had friends I town from there so I could hide in their suitcase, I need a vacation, do you think I got you confused with someone else?” Obviously he did and I gave him an out, the fact that he got defensive and just didn’t roll with it was a total turnoff. Another option keep a notebook with you when online dating and take notes of who you said what to lol

Should auld acquaintance be forgot… and maybe some new ones too

New Year’s Eve was less than a week away, 1/2 of my friends had the flu and it hadn’t stopped snowing for days. I had decided my celebration was going to be buying a new pair of pj’s, ordering in and watching movies.

My plan changed. Dan – divorced, kids and lives in south Jersey – and I had emailed and spoken on the phone for over a week, while he was traveling. He just got back and hadn’t made any plans for NYE, so we decided to meet for dinner. I gave him a bunch of links of places to look at and he should pick one. He picked a place that my very good friend owns. This will be fun, the foods amazing, I get treated like a queen there, Dan seems nice and maybe this will be the start of a good year!

It’s New Year’s Eve day, my outfit is planned, nails are done and walking home to get ready. I get a text “Can I wear sneakers?” WHAT? No! It’s NYE in a nice restaurant, in NY and a first date you shouldn’t even have to ask! I write back “No”. A few minutes later “Jeans? Do I need a shirt with a collar?” OMG! Really? “Dark, or black jeans I guess, nothing faded or ripped, or nice pants would work, a collar shirt or sweater, and shoes”. Based on these questions, I’m no longer wearing my little black dress and stiletto’s, clearly not worth it. Rethinking my outfit and I get “oh, ok, what about a sweat shirt?” Me “No”… Ok, no longer putting in much effort on my outfit, I’m just going to wear black jeans, silk blouse and boots.

We decide to meet at a bar near the restaurant first. Not sure why, but it made him feel better. He’s in black jeans, a Cosby sweater (it’s 2010), black sneakers. We walk to the restaurant, it’s packed, they see me and the hostess says “I’m so sorry, you might have to wait a minute, I don’t have anything yet, early seating is wrapping up, you’ll be the first seated, let me get you both some champagne! I’ll let ‘him’ know you’re here” (referring to my friend the owner). Laughing, “It’s ok Maria, we can wait like everyone else, we’re fine” Dan immediately gets uncomfortable. We get seated my friend comes by to let me know that we can have what’s on the menu or chef’s made me my favorite meal (Yay chef made me scallops!). Each table has gotten a small bottle of Champagne to share, we have 2, Dan only likes beer, so now I have 2! I’m liking this so far….

Extra treats keep coming to the table, all of the staff comes by to say hi and happy New Year and Dan is not enjoying it! How do you not enjoy special treatment? “Are you ok?” Him “I didn’t expect this, the bartender at my local place just gives me free beer.” Me “How is this different?” Him “It just is”.

We are having a nice conversation, but it’s clearly a city mouse/country mouse situation. He doesn’t understand how I can like all the people and public transportation. He drives to Philly every day, 1 hour each way in traffic. I would hang myself! I sleep on the subway or express bus for 45 min each way. I tried to explain that when he gets home he still needs to “unwind”, I don’t have too, I’ve just taken a nap on my way home or gone to happy hour, dinner, shopping, or the gym.

He talks about his boys and his X-wife, and that he’s going to be looking for a new place to live soon, he needs to get out of their house, too many people. HOLD IT! Something’s not right… So I asked “are you officially divorced, agreements made, papers signed, done, over… divorced?” Him “Yes.” Me “Are you guys still living in the same house?” “No. I want to move into a smaller place, maybe get a roommate, another single dad maybe, it will be fun.” Really? 40 something & you want a roommate? Does he think he’s in a Will Farrell Movie?

He tells me that him and his friends come in to the city and stay over and hang out. “Oh cool what do you guys do? Go to concerts, theater, try new restaurants?” “no, we like to hang out in the bars by NYU, watch sports, play pool, and get trashed, we try to do it once a month.” So, yes, he does think he’s in a Will Farrell movie…

It’s almost midnight and I’m about to open my other mini bottle of champagne to get ready for the champagne toast when he says “Can we pay and spend midnight at that bar?” But there’s hats, streamers and a toast here!…. And the bus home is on the corner… And did I mention…hats and streamers! “Why, don’t you like it here? I’d rather stay here” He isn‘t comfortable and wants to go to the bar, he’s used to spending NYE in a bar. Fine, there’s one on the other side of the bus stop we can go to. The check comes & he asks for separate checks. Ok I was going to offer, because I always do, but we picked a very reasonable place, he would have spent this much on a normal dinner and wine in NY and he should have discussed it with me. He says “I know they were really nice to us and everything but you should leave the bigger tip since they know you, I can leave a small one” are you serious? Cause going Dutch isn’t bad enough! So I said “No, you should leave at least 20% because that is what you do when you go out, but more today because they were nice to you too, and didn’t charge you for all your beers.”

I took my mini bottle, hat and streamers and we went to the bar.

Midnight came we shook hands. I left for the bus.

Over the next 2 months he would randomly text me “my x and the kids are at her boyfriends this weekend, come spend the weekend with me”. I wasn’t interested – and again, it sounds like they live together. 3 months later I got a text “Hey it’s Dan, woohoo wife moved out, you can feel more comfortable about staying” finally I answered back “that wasn’t my issue and I thought she didn’t live there.” He never text again and luckily my friends have stayed healthy and so more blind dates on NYE.